Jump

I jumped off a cliff by deciding to move to Portland. Twice before I've considered moving here but, had never even visited before. As far as I can tell happiness and love have got to be two of the best reasons to dare to jump.

I was told to make sure my heart wasn't the only reason to make the move. So I've thought of some other great reasons that I am now here: to finish school - there is a good school here, OCOM, where I can get back to completing my masters in TCM; I've moved closer to mountains and ocean; Portland is a good midway point between Minneapolis, Honolulu and San Diego for traveling to see good friends and family; Much milder winters - something both me and Zoey will enjoy.

Then there is my heart... Nearly a year ago, I met someone who inspired my heart to dare. To explore the possibility of love. A person who's kind words encouraged me and reminded me to be kind to myself. Our relationship grew chatting online and texting each other daily. We consistently referred to each other with terms of endearment and wrote of intimacies. Wishes were expressed that I be closer. Of how difficult it seemed that we were so far away from each other. I sincerely yearned to feel their touch and experience their energy in person as well. Amazingly our fascination with each other did not seem to wane. By the end of the summer an opportunity presented itself for us to be able to rendezvous in person. After so much time, only seeing each other by webcam, to be able to reach out and touch one another. The first time we meet is at a smoothie shop. I sat on a stool looking out a window, wondering from which direction they would come. I couldn't have imagined things going better. It was surreal at first. But, in less than five minutes I felt completely comfortable with them. Something which is extremely rare for me. Every touch seemed thoughtful and with care. We purposely took our time exploring touch with each other. Something I'm not sure any other partner of mine has taken the time to do...at any point in our relationship. It made me feel very special and cared about, and physically astounding.

After our trip together I became dedicated to moving to Portland. I was committed to the power of positive thought and my will to get there. I set a goal for when I hoped to arrive, in time for a special occasion. Finances proved to not be so cooperative. After missing my arrival goal I could sense that they felt let down. I felt terrible. I so had wanted to be there by that date, to share the occasion with them. Inside I felt like I had failed. Failed at something very important to me. Determined, I expressed the importance of an upcoming holiday and how much I would enjoy being able to spend it with them. This time I shared my intentions openly with my friends and family, ready to defend my move. Emphasizing all the other reasons for the move, besides my heart. My family seemed to concede but, pleaded that I stay with them through the holiday season. Later I found out that this second date change resulted in a loss of faith that I would ever really make it to Portland.

Meanwhile, I took a job that would offer me the most possible hours in order to raise funds for my move. Working the overnight shift was difficult, more difficult than I had expected. Because of my odd hours our communication fell away. It seemed like if we were lucky we would have time to chat with each other perhaps once a week, twice if we were lucky. I was so exhausted from my strange working hours, which were the almost the exact opposite of theirs, we were almost never available at the same times. I focused on work as a tool to getting me to Portland, closer to them. Hoping that they saw it as the same thing and would be understanding.

All of the holiday hubbub and my job conclude, I'm anxious to make my move. I'm completely focused on looking for a place to live and a job in Portland as well as, how I'm going to get there with my dog. Looking for options, posting to Tribe to craigslist and so on. The sooner the better, the more money I'll have to work with for my move. Things have changed a lot in their life, now having nowhere to go to during the day. And, we still haven't reconnected... Now I'm available during the daytime again but, where are they? Finally, things come out that they have met someone. And, it is with this someone that they've been spending all of their new free time with. I miss our conversations and playing online games together. I miss the endearing sentiments that we shared. I had thought there would be excitement that I had raised the funds needed to make my move possible. Now, instead of talk of possibilities our conversations seemed heavy and burdened. It almost seemed as if they weren't wanting me to move.

I keep looking for ways to get myself to Portland. I've had no luck with trying to find a housemate situation from long distance plus, with having a dog that cannot be interviewed over the phone. Somehow, I thought they would offer me more help in making this move. Before they had spoke of possibility that I could stay with them while I looked for a place of my own but, it seems that option isn't available anymore. Finally I cry out. I am supposed to ask for what I need, right? I tell them, I want them to support me in my moving, how difficult it is trying to find a place of my own from long-distance and how much it would mean to me if Zoey and I could stay with them while we looked for a house of our own. Things are discussed and finally they say that they could put us up while we are looking.*

*This is not the end of the story.

(This has been an experiment in journaling...)